A little bit of context: Breakups are hard and painful to go through but in it, there’s the opportunity to reflect. Over the past several weeks I’ve been reflecting a lot and I’ve been trying to put my thoughts into words this past week. As I was taking a walk late last night it all just came to me and below are all the words I’ve finally been able to sort out in my head.
11/25/2020
I feel like I’m coming upon this new version of myself
The old version of me is sitting there about to begin the process of collecting dust in my mind
I honestly don’t really like her
She’s sad, bitter, and on the brink of resentment
I don’t know how we got here and why I am here
I don’t like where I’m at in my life, I really don’t
It was so much easier to convince myself that I‘m good,
And things will change in time when I had someplace to be
I used to wake up with a place to go
Now it’s wake up and try not to become bitter
I can no longer try and convince myself otherwise,
when the blaring truth of bitterness that looks back at me every day
During the week I wake up, go through my usual morning routine
Sit down for work and then comes the daily question of why
Why am I here?
I hate it here
It’s like sitting down putting on headphones and listening to the grinding of gears,
From the cogs of the machine
From 8 am to 5 pm, Monday through Friday
Everything is so urgent all the time and I’m not sure why
How can something be so urgent with seven or more building sitting there vacant,
Void of any occupants
It doesn’t matter though, because that’s what the job is
I’m here because I need to pay my bills and avoid moving back home
Even writing this out pushed me three steps closer to the looming resentment that lies ahead
I don’t like her anymore
She’s sad, bitter, and can’t get out of the place she’s in
Like quicksand but you don’t sink past your ankles, so you’re just stuck
Stuck in a limbo of your own being
In the same place, day in and day out
Maybe that’s why he left
Maybe he saw the underlying negative energies seeping through the usual optimistic personality I’ve always had
I am optimistic 90% of the time
I like to see the glass half full in every situation
I don’t like to be negative
But somehow the years of this overwhelming emotion has caught up to me
Also, you can’t escape it because we’re all forced to sit in our place
And think about our lives more than we ever had in awhile
I think I got too tired
It’s not enough anymore to exist to pay bills
And also be too scared to go anywhere
To scared move, find a new job, or try something new, out of fear of failure
I want to be someone else now
Not just anyone, but a new version of myself
It’s not like I can fully detach from her anyway
Like a spirit leaving the host, but the spirit still needs all the previous hosts to survive
Its a collection of chapters of my life
All needed in order to continue to the next part
Because how can we move forward and truly grow without dealing with the past,
And acknowledging its existence?
How I long to be 10 year old me again
Wearing my matching yellow short set, glittery platform sketcher sneakers
Just running around the church with my friends
Not a care in the world
Only me imagining that those glittery platform shoes would make me run faster
And be better than everyone else at the games we’d play
Oh and looking forward to pancakes every Thursday and going to ballet class
That’s a host I’d go back to in an instant
For the past several weeks I have been reflecting on gratitude
Where has gratitude been in my life this year
It seemed to quickly disappear as the months dragged on
I just became tired and mentally exhausted
I adjusted to life-based at home but in the back of my mind
My thoughts are constantly spinning
Constantly thinking of scenarios and questioning what’s going on in my life
My constant in it all was Him, Jesus, my family, and close friends
I think you don’t realize how much you love a person until you feel their absence
He’s not here
It feels like someone is piercing my stomach with a hot iron rod when I think about it
I feel it every morning that I open my eyes and realize
That I’m in the same place as that late October evening
Not even a year later I’m in the same place as of December 26th, 2019
I guess, fool myself twice
Adjust should be my word for next year
It’s one trait that I am proud to have is the ability to adjust
I’m thankful that my happiness is made up of multiple parts
It doesn’t rest on one single human or a certain thing in my life
So when a huge part of my happiness exits my life, I eventually adjust
Although I don’t know when the painful burning sensation stops
One thing I learned about myself recently was that I like to confront the issue head-on
Discuss it, resolve it, and move on
My heart and emotions don’t work like that, they need time to heal
They need time in order to catch up to the militant ways of my mind
So I sat in these emotions for the past weeks
Feeling like I was in a deep hole of sadness and not able to escape my own self
I knew I was going to get out of the hole,
but I needed to stay for however long to let myself feel it for a bit
The hosts of my 17-year-old, 20-year-old, 22 year old, and 24-year-old selves came to life,
And danced around the pit
Here we are again
Not feeling worth a try or effort
Even when you show up as your best self, what’s the difference in the outcome?
Say hello to my old friend, self-destructive thoughts
Who’s have been around since I can remember
So when I think about gratitude and reflecting over the past 6 weeks
This is what comes up
I guess finally finding the words to match the emotions and feelings of the past 8 months
And the grand finale of it all with the past weeks
I’m still so tired of her and even looking at her
I don’t want to be stuck here anymore
I want to become someone new
