Coping

I find myself feeling completely overwhelmed, anxious, exhausted, and sad
My mental health was already running on fumes with Covdi-19 happening
And now this?
May 30th, I felt a switch happen in my heart, mind, and soul
I no longer felt safe
I no longer felt like me being a good person, me respecting authority,
I no longer felt like me minding my own business was enough
I thought I had found a way to avoid being the next hashtag,
When it comes to black people being unjustly killed in the streets
But it is no longer enough

I spoke with my best friend Mimi about this on my birthday
We talked about how we’re doing with everything happening in the country
I thought if I were kind to others and be a good person,
You wouldn’t hate me for the way that I look
If I found myself in a poor situation with the cops,
I could be compliant, and I wouldn’t get killed
I don’t need to prove a point or create a scene about how some cops are bad
If the situation is bad with the cops, I would comply and handle it later

It was my way of coping with the scariness of police brutality against black people
It was my way of coping with the blatant comments or microaggressions,
I’ve felt and heard throughout life
It is not enough anymore

This past month has been extremely difficult
It was one instance after the next
Ahmed Aubrey’s case coming to light
amy cooper being blatantly racist towards a black man in central park
Breonna Taylor
And now George Floyd

Hateful acts by hateful people and those are just the ones caught on tape
It’s overwhelming, scary, and sad
I don’t like to live my life in fear, but is that ignorant for my own safety?
I go back and forth on that a lot recently

I honestly didn’t even recognize how I’ve adjusted my life,
And responses to people over the years was a way for me to cope.
I feel like whether I am minding my own business or comply with authorities,
I could end up dead either way

To The Black Community

Why do we have to be so judgmental of each other?
There have been many instances of feeling judgment throughout my life
I felt like that girl in the movies when she doesn’t have any friends at school
So, she goes and eats her lunch in the bathroom
Why do I feel less than sometimes?
Even though my skin is black, I feel like I don’t do enough to be black.

You talk like you’re white
Why don’t you date within your race? You clearly don’t want to continue our legacy.
You really trying to be like those white girls with your weaves and relaxers.
You grew up in the middle class? Oh, you must be a republican
Ballet? Why didn’t you try out for track and field?
Why would you hang out with those people if you’re the only black person there?

These comments are what I’ve heard repeatedly throughout my life
It feels like a constant stream of judgment, rather than a community that lifts each other up
It’s disheartening and it’s not empowering to other black people
Words people say can stick with a person for a long time

I don’t live my life according to some aloof standards that others created
How I wear my hair, the men I date, the passions and goals for my life
It has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else but me.

Let’s empower other black people within our community
Even if what they do in life is different from our own opinions
Within our own community, we need to be there for each other
We need to show compassion, empathy, interest, and support for each other
We already face so much hate out in the world, let’s not bring that into our own house

To The White Community

Throughout my life, I would hear these comments

You’re the whitest black person I know
Token black friend
You’re an oreo
You’re basically white
Oh, is this black person problem

Just an FYI
There’s not one black person who takes these comments as a compliment
It’s so uncomfortable to hear that
What, now I have this nod of approval from a white person that I am a part of your group now?
How is a black person supposed to respond to that?

No.
I am 100% African American.
I am Black.
I am not trying to be like white people or anyone else.
I am me.

Here is a great first step to take regarding change
Don’t speak these phrases/comments over your black friends and family
If you have kids tell them the same thing. It’s not acceptable.
This happens on a micro level, within your relationships
And friendships with black people
The comments listed above do not empower black people

Also, stop using the word Nigga
I don’t care if it’s in a song,
And stop making excuses for why you can say it
It’s even degrading to tell your black friends,
Why you should be able to use that word
If you’re not black, you CANNOT say it or use that word, ever

If it’s so bad, then why do black people say it?

That word has so much power and hatred behind it,
That you will ever know or understand
Just like women took back the bitch from men
To use against us in a degrading way
Black people took the word Nigga/Nigger back from white people
So, they can no longer degrade us with it and make us feel less than
There is absolutely no excuse for this word to be spoken by someone who is not black
Stop using the word Nigga

Acknowledgment

These past two weeks specifically have been extremely exhausting
Another pressure we feel as black people,
Is the lack of acknowledgment of what is happening in the world
This acknowledgment is extremely lacking in the workplace environment,
And even among those close to us
Saying something is better than saying nothing at all
You don’t have to have a perfectly crafted email or text
But reaching out to be there for your black friends and coworkers is huge

We spend 40+ hours a week with our work family
And yet no acknowledgment of the current events happening?
It makes the black community feel unseen and unheard
It’s traumatizing to see these hateful acts still take place today
It’s exhausting to mentally and physically show up to work,
And no one asks how I am doing
But yes, I will get all those documents over to by EOB

For those of you who are not black,
I challenge you to reach out to your friends, family,
And coworkers in the black community
We are hurting on the inside
Just ask them how they are doing,
With everything that’s going on right now

As soon as I was able to have that conversation with my team at work,
It felt like the pressure was released
I felt like I was just holding in every emotion,
So, I can “show up” for work and act like nothing is wrong
It’s a release to black people to feel like we have space to talk about this,
On a personal and professional level

Dear White People

Please don’t let this conversation stop
Don’t let this be a trend that you somehow benefit from
For now, and then go back to old ways
Eyes have been opened and the conversation must continue

You must do your part in educating yourself, your children, and those around you
Lift up black people in the workplace, in social settings, in your everyday life
Just like you would any other person
Don’t turn a blind eye or deaf ear to comments that are not acceptable
Call out other people that surround you who are being rude and insensitive

This is a fight that black people have been experiencing since birth
Hundreds of years of oppression
It is not our job to educate people
It is your job to put in the work to become better and be a part of the change

You may be met with backlash and comments of your actions being disingenuous
We as black people have experienced so much hurt and pain
Throughout so many years of our lives, it’s a warranted response
I am not saying it is helpful in the movement for change
But please have compassion and empathy on us
After being repeatedly hurt and oppressed for hundreds of years,
It’s going to take more than one apology or positive action for us to forgive

Don’t be afraid to speak out on behalf of black people
True change is beginning but it won’t happen overnight
I urge you to please continue to do your part

Dear Black People

There’s so much hurt, pain, death, and division within our own community
What more can you expect from years of slavery, segregation, and oppression
We have some work to do in our own house
We cannot still act and like we abide by the laws
Former masters have held over us

We must be kinder to ourselves, and to other black people
If someone is doing something different then what’s “expected”
That is okay
Yes, ballet is not track, or football, or basketball
But that is still okay to pursue those passions

That is just one example,
But if you feel judgment or disapproval rising inside
Take a moment to check yourself, then respond in support
We are all black, but we will show up in different ways to fulfill our purpose in life

We need to begin to heal and forgive others
Especially those in the white community
There is so much wrong and hateful acts that have been committed and may continue
But the black community forgiving the white community for what has been done,
Will create space for true change

I know there has been so much hate, evil, and pain caused by them
The first reaction to the white community even voicing their support for change,
Can be received as disingenuous
It’s just a trend for them to hop on
This is just an evil joke

But no, I believe that this is different
I believe that this is the time we begin to forgive (I didn’t say forget)
I believe this is the time to accept the apologies and acknowledgment,
From those who have wronged us

That is our part in this change
We must forgive the white community,
In order for there to be space for true change
We must learn to trust
We can’t hold hate and resentment in our own hearts and expect change

As the white community and others reach out,
We need to begin to accept and encourage
Accept that these actions towards change are genuine,
And encourage them to continue to reach out
Encourage them to continue to do their part and educate themselves

Hopeful For The Future

Unless its Jesus Christ himself coming back to this earth,
No one human is going to fix racism
It is the responsibility of every one of us,
To cut out the disease called racism, and begin to fix the problem

I don’t want to live my life in fear,
Or live my life coping with my surroundings in everyday life
I am hopeful for the future
I am committed to doing my part in the change that’s happening